the challenges we keep going back to

i just finished this summer's session of camp for young adults with down syndrome volunteering as a photographer. weeks like these remind me that i don't really enjoy photography as much as i think i do. which i think is great because it's reassuring that i chose a better path for myself than photography would've been for me. some hobbies just need to stay like that ... hobbies. quite honestly, this week was a rough one, sure i was smiling through most of it, i think i did a decent job at what i was supposed to do, i learned a lot, met new people, all was grand. but our brains and aortas can feel a lot of things at once. through out the week, there were moments where there was nothing more i wanted to do than curl up in a ball and cry. i had this odd feeling of being withdrawn and invisible, and the more i thought about myself feeling this way, the more alone and unwhole i felt.

but someone once told me that gratitude and depression can't exist at the same moment. so that was my little light in the tunnel this week. and being here, when camp closes i can't help but feel gratitude. people with disabilities go through so much pain and trials, and they still manage to find joy and excitement even in the smallest things. they see life for what it is. a challenge, a mess, a beautiful plan.

... i wrote the first part awhile ago and i'm not sure where i was going with it, but i'll try to elaborate ...

sometimes, there are challenges we choose to go back to over & over again, because they teach us the lessons we need reminders on over & over again. the world can close us up, make us conform into its ideals, but going to this camp for the 2nd summer in a row teaches me how to be open again. to not care about what others think, to not judge, and to remember that life and people are essentially good. in the first couple days of being there, it's really hard to let go of all the things that stop me from being myself. then the campers arrive, and they teach me to be true and real and raw like they are every day.

sometimes, in the day-to-day mundanity, it's hard to see that life is beautiful. but while we're laughing uncontrollably, dancing and singing to old songs like no one is watching, and doing the only thing we're asked to do in life [LOVE], there's so much joy in everything if we look for it and there's so much to be grateful for.