don’t ignore this conversation

on June 6 I wrote this and the convo is still happening ...

Today my former high school classmates released a petition to call for more diversity through education in my K-12 school district. Reading the letter made me reflect on my school experience growing up as part of the 7% of minorities in an upper middle class suburban Midwest town. One memory that stuck out happened over eight years ago.

When I was in 7th grade, I was bullied. It was probably not the first time that someone had done something racist towards me, such as an act of micro aggression, but it was the first time someone had blatantly called me out for my race. I forgave my bullies easily because I was taught to be resilient and to not show my anger, my sadness, or insecurities, but i will never forget what happened no matter how hard i try.

After lunch, my friends and i stood outside with the rest of the students to get some fresh air before heading to our next class. We found ourselves standing by two people in the grade above me. I had never met the boy and the girl before. I didn’t know their names, and I’m sure before this day they probably didn’t know mine either. They were talking and all of the sudden their comments turned to me. They guessed my race and rattled off another before I could respond. “Are you Chinese?, Japanese?? Korean?!” Growing in excitement and laughing more as they listed them off. “Are you Kung Pao Chicken?!” They laughed histerically and imitated martial arts moves to add to the effect. My friends laughed with them, some losing balance from their laughter. I stood there frozen, not sure how to respond or react. A couple of them turned their eyes towards me suddenly aware of what had happened. I could feel my face turning red and my eyes beginning to burn. I turned around and walked quickly back into the school without another word. I could feel the warm tears running down my face. I quickly wiped them away and kept my head down hoping no one would see.

One friend from gym asked me if I was okay, and I couldn’t explain what happened without choking up. Instead I told her I was fine. My gym teacher watched me cry and never said a word. I went through the rest of the day without anyone talking to me about it.

When I got home I felt okay enough to fall apart. I talked with my mom about what happened and soon after my sister. They demanded their names and i had no idea who they were. But in a school of 400, it’s hard to stay unknown. I begged my mom not to report it because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to them. The only thing I wanted was an explanation and maybe an apology,but that’s something that would never happen.

Within a week, the two students were suspended from school, taken out of their classes by police officers apparently crying and embarrassed. I never knew what happened after. I never got to talk with them.

I hope they learned something and that they forgave themselves. I hope they know that I forgave them and never hated them. I felt sorry for them and I was disappointed in how the school handled the situation. To this day I will never know why they made those racist remarks towards me, or why they thought it was okay to do it. I will never know where they learned it. I will never know why such a small moment made me hurt so much then.

Nonetheless, I know that ever since that day, every micro aggressive statement stung a little bit more. I knew that I was always going to be seen differently from my white counter parts. And I knew that there would be people who saw me as less based on my race alone. We need diversity in our schools, because I left my K-12 education believing that my race was an inconvenience, that my race was making a scene so I needed to lay low. I walked through high school silently taking in every micro aggressive comment so I wouldn’t offend people or get them into trouble. I comforted and reassured white friends when their parents made comments towards me. It was none of their fault. People imitate what they learn, so we have to teach people to combat white supremacy. We have to unlearn racism and foster environments of diversity and inclusion. We can’t expect change if we are teaching old ways.