being alive

the past few weeks I've felt extreme joy and immense pain. and today particularly I felt for no reason other than depression that i was falling apart. i got super sad and dramatic, but the basis of what i said and felt was very real. sometimes i feel like i'll never be good enough, i'll never accomplish my dreams or goals, i'll end up sad and alone wishing i would've done a better job at living life. i think sometimes i make myself super busy so i don't have time to confront my thoughts or the feeling of being isolated or unproductive. but my old friend depression makes it impossible for me to avoid it forever. so i cry and i get down on myself, and i write.

today, i rewrote my goals. i looked back on some of the happiest moment of this past year, and asked myself what did i do to be so happy there and how do i get that back? i realized that life is pretty great, and i've hand more moments than i can count that made me stare up to the sky and ask God what I did to deserve something so good. as i let my heart fill and my mind save that moment in a still that could play in the mental slide show i see when i ask Him for reasons to stay alive, i whisper thank you.

so starting in the morning (after i get a few hours of sleep), i'm going to try to fall in love with life again.

i'm going to start challenging myself to climb harder problems.

i'm going to swim at least once every other week.

i'm going to practice biking for my upcoming travels.

i'm going to learn songs on the ukulele to play to my patients.

i'm going to memorize a new song on the piano.

i'm going to get off of social media.

i'm going to start writing my book since i finally figured out what it should be about.

i'm going to practice spanish.

i'm going to make school a bigger priority and not procrastinate on stuff.

i'm going to make $1000 before i leave for europe.

i'm going to get up super early in the morning once a week to hit the skate park.

i'm going to sit outside a temple every sunday.

i'm going to share my gratitude more often.

i'm going to try new things as often as i can.

i'm going to do more of the stuff that i would rearrange my schedule for or wake up at 4am for.

i'm going to fall in love with life again.