sunday reflections

recently, i've been reflecting on my childhood trauma and it immediately took me back to high school. i only remember crying once publicly during those four years and they were both in the middle of january. my last week at phs. typically students go visit their favorite teachers and thank them, and that's what i intended to do. so i walked into mr. d's room and said a few words then started sobbing. really not my best moment. and same thing happened when i sat with mrs. woods. for the first time in my life i really had no idea what i was going to do. up until that point, i knew all the boxes i needed to check, tests i needed to do well on, opportunities i knew i had to take -- life was a straight shot plan. now i had no idea where my life was going, what the next year would hold for me. don't get me wrong, i was stoked to be leaving that place, but also scared shitless.

i guess i always kind of knew what i wanted to do with my life. well, i would choose something and say it confidently enough that i could convince anyone that was what i planned to do. then i'd change it entirely later. lately instead of thinking of a profession as what i wanted people to see me as when i grow up, i've thought of adjectives. i've always loathed the word 'nice' -- especially when describing people. 1000 thread count sheets are nice, a cool breeze on a warm day is nice, a coupon for $1 off a sack of potatoes is nice, and nice is not something i have aspired to be. but 'kind'. kind is different. and after digging into the deep dark hole that sometimes resembles my past, i wouldn't mind being kind. kind is good. i remember during high school, i used to reflect on my past a lot, probably too much. i'd remember all the bad things i'd done: names i'd call people, throwing my friends under the bus trying to save my own ass, chopping people up with my sword-tongue, i was a pretty rotten kid sometimes. on top of that i was really insecure and compared myself to people all the time. my dramatic kid brain swore that one day i'd become a criminal or be killed by my enemies, but thankfully that day has not come and i have become a decent human being. or at least i try to be.

i don't think kind or compassionate is one of the top five words anyone would use to describe me, and i wish it was sometimes. i'm not saying that i want to be one of those people who has a plastic smile glued to their face all the time, or lose my sense of humor. fake is something i will never be. but i want to be the kind of person who sees a need and helps without being asked. i just want to be a good person, and sometimes that's hard for me to be.